Today all my hopes died

My Mac died today and with it, all those files Is should have backed-up ages ago. I have been promising myself for a long time that I will never let that happen again and still it did. I let it happen. All those files I had gathered during the months I have had it. Since I always do lots of things on the computer and since I’m unemployed I had a lot saved on it.

There was this folder with photos all sorted after date and camera. Everything is gone. I had several wordpress themes with photoshop files needed for it all half-ready. They are gone too. Other graphics, finished or half finished. Gone too. And of course all notes and my calendar and info about mail servers etc. It feels like half of my life is gone.

But the worst part is that all my ideas for stories and half finished stories are gone and my almost finished novel. I have never in my life finished a novel and this was almost done. I would have sent it in to publishing companies this spring. Now I don’t know how to go on. How do I start over?

Tea Poetry

I love the golden beverage and everything about it. The taste, the calmness that it brings, the colour and the history and culture around it. I found this poem on a very interesting site about tea the TeaMuse.

The cake that is my life

A very dear friend of mine had a blog post about her life as a cake. First it made me a bit sad because my cake looked so different from hers. Then I changed my mind, so this is my life – my cake. My plate with the cake looks a bit different. Some of the pieces are only made up of one layer and some are very nice with lots of cute decorations like marzipan roses and leaves. Some only have crumbles left because someone ate parts of them. Here are the pieces:

Myself: Yes I’m part of the cake. Can’t really avoid it, can I? I’m always there, can’t run away from myself, no matter how much I try.

Health: This part of the cake looks rather shabby. Portions of it has been eaten, even though it seems to have been a very nice cake from the start. It has lots of layers and decorations. I can’t remember inviting anyone to taste it, but I must have.

Kids: I have been ordering a piece of that from the bakery for years but so far they haven’t delivered. I really must have that to make my cake complete.

Home: This piece seems to be made from different cakes that are just smashed together to build a piece. I want the real part that I ordered years ago.

Boyfriend: They never delivered that piece either. Over the years, they’ve delivered replacement cookies, but never a part of a cake. I remember that I had a part years ago, but somone must have eaten it.

Work: Someone ate it. I really should stay away from the friends that keeps eating my cakes.

Creativity: One of the nicest parts of the cake. Very high and with lots of nice decorations and layers.

Family: Few layers, but a very big part of the cake with nice decorations on it.

Friends: Only a few layers but still a big part of the cake.

There you have it, my life as a cake. It could have been a very nice and beautiful cake if all the pieces I’ve ordered had arrived and if I had stayed away from the friends that kept stealing from the cake. What does your cake look like?

Monthly shopping with shopping trolley

I usually do my grocery shopping for the whole month. I do that because I can’t afford to buy anything I really don’t need. It’s also stupid even if I could afford it. It’s because I don’t have a driving licence, but mostly because I want to save our environment that I choose to do my shopping on foot with my shopping trolley.

It might not look all that cool to use one, but a lot has changed since those beige tartan checked ones that I remember from my childhood. And isn’t our environment worth some sacrifices?

Today I was up early to do my shopping. I imagined it would be less crowded at that time, but I was wrong. The store was filled with elderly women and men. Mostly women. Men seem to be the ones to do the weekend shopping. The few men that I saw were pushing the shopping carts and the women picked up the groceries.

These older people didn’t seem all that thrilled about shopping. At least they were in a bad mood. All of them seemed to feel that I was blocking their way with my shopping trolley. Not them, with their big shopping carts or walkers. Where are all the little ladies I remember from my childhood? The ones who dragged around their small shopping trollies on foot to pick up their milk and loaf of bread.

Lots of today’s new retired people drive around in their big expensive petrol drinking cars and their cold cuts and semi-manufactured articles. These babyboomers that never had to think about what they spent. Those who just fell into the job market and landed great jobs effortlessly and are now living off fat pensions. They seem to think that worrying about the environment is for others. They can afford to do as they please. Someone else will have to worry about their grandkids.

Those old people, who were sneering at me and my trolley, were using up just as much space in the store, but clearly I was the one who was in the way. Despite that, I’m not going to cave under the pressure. I’ll keep pulling my trolley for the sake of the environment, no matter how uncool it may look. Though I am considering doing my shopping late in the evening. Maybe then I’ll be allowed to shop too.

Footsteps in the dark

What I’m about to tell you occurred late an autumn night when my kees girl needed to go out. It was dark, so dark that the streetlights only managed to light up a small part of the middle of the street. The rain had painted the asphalt in a dark grey shade and it was lined with brown autumn leaves. Then suddenly the silence was broken by the sound of footsteps. It might not have been exactly that sound, but it was close.

Both me and my kees turned around at the same time to see where the sound came from. There, in the middle of the street, was a big yellow leaf rolling down the street. It moved jerkily, but surprisingly straight. The strangest thing was that the sound was so loud. If I had closed my eyes, the illusion would have been of someone walking close by. Something kept me from closing my eyes though.

I gazed fascinated at the leaf until my dog dragged me back into the garden. She always likes to sit outside the gate to leave messages to passing dogs, but this time, she hurried into the garden. What was it that she saw? They say that dogs can see more than humans. She did her business as fast as she could and then dragged me towards the front door. She seemed to be in a big hurry to get inside into the warm house.

What was it she really saw out there in the dark?

Happiness

I stand on the scales every Sunday and now for a couple of weeks I’ve been preparing myself. I’ve been thinking: ‘I must have put on weight.’ Since I’ve been stuck for so long, I’d stopped believing in my method, in myself, if you like. I felt like a sportswoman without her motivation coach (is there such a thing?), mental trainer or whatever it’s called. When you don’t believe in anything anymore, it’s hard to stick to anything.

Last night I ‘knew’ that I’d put on weight, but how wrong I was. I’d finally left my ‘plateau’ and continued on the way down without really noticing. One kilo down. It feels great. Now I’m going to celebrate by going for a walk in the sunshine, bring my little keeshond and take lots of pics. I’ve reached my partial goal. Wish me luck for the next one.

A bunch of keys

Have you thought about how a bunch of keys can tell you a lot about a person? Do you have something attached to it? Like a plasticized photo? Or a teddy bear maybe? Or do you have chain in it? The teddy bear can make you feel safe. The photo shows who you care about. The chain can help you find the keys in a messy bag.

But a bunch of keys can show so much more. Recently, that occurred to me when looking at my decreasing collection of keys. Keys can symbolize status, responsibility, activity or even an entire life. Sound strange? Let me explain my reasoning.

If you lead an active life perhaps you have the key to your summer cottage, speedboat, garage, storage room etc. Many keys can also be a sign of responsibility at your workplace. Front door, your own private office, main key to several doors, keys to cupboards etc.

On the other hand, if you’re unemployed you don’t have any keys to any work place. If you’re poor you can’t afford a car, so no car key, key to your garage etc. I remember how sad my grandfather was when he moved in with my mother after my grandmother died. He didn’t have any home of his own so he didn’t need a key. No key, no life.

It must be how the poor men and women moving into an old folk’s home feel. Must be like becoming a kid again. Someone else has the responsibility. Someone else is in charge.

I’m hoping that I’ll soon have a bigger bunch of keys. If I get that job I’m hoping to get, I’ll get a key to my work place. I love the accessories, the chain, the teddy bear and all that. but a bunch of keys with only the key to my home feels empty and sad.

Stagnation

For weeks now, my weight as remained the same. I know that you usually get to a plateau, but it’s been so long now. I really want to continue losing weight and soon. I’ll see what happens on Sunday. By then, hopefully, something will have changed.

I still believe in my method, but I still need to do more. Change something so I’ll start losing weight again. First of all I need to understand why it’s stopped working, if that’s what’s happened. I still hope it’s just a temporary setback and that I’ll start losing weight rapidly.

I know that for a while now, I haven’t been strict enough. I used to go for walks every day and now I sometimes skip one. I know I shouldn’t do that. *Note to self: don’t skip daily walk.* In addition, I’ve stopped being strict about mealtimes. At times I might add an extra snack, just because I’ve lost count and forget I’ve already had the meals I’m allowed each day. I really need to get a grip.

Ok, what else has might have gone wrong? I’m depressed again. It’s always had a detrimental effect on my weight. That’s another thing I knew but it had slipped my mind. What I didn’t know is that my medication lowers the metabolism, so I have to work even harder. *Sigh*.

At the moment things are a bit rough. If anyone has any tips for how I can raise my metabolism, I’d be grateful.

One kilo up

When I stood on the scales again, I’d gained a kilo. It’s not quite as easy to stay positive, when you’re failing. While I know that everyone suffers setbacks, it doesn’t make me any less disappointed. I really think I’m trying so hard. Now it’s time to analyze what went wrong. Why did I put on weight again?

One reason I can see is that I was beginning to take my method for granted and felt it was ok to change my scheduled meal times. Sometimes I’ve slept for longer than usual and been too hungry when I woke up. My ordinary set of meals haven’t been enough and I’ve had one extra. When I don’t stick to my schedule, it’s easy to squeeze in an extra eal without thinking. That’s probably what happened. This, and the fact that I haven’t gone for a walk every day and that I have had a dessert once in a while.

From now on I’ll have to keep a close check on things at least for some time. A steady schedule, fewer meals, more and longer walks. Wish me luck. I won’t let a setback make me fail completely.

More of the Happy Method

I’m still completely satisified with my ‘method. It never feels like a ‘diet’, even if I sometimes feel cravings for calorie bombs and at times I feel hungry in the evenings. But I should think everyone in my situation does. Since I last posted, I’ve reached an impasse, three weeks when nothing happened. But, though I don’t want to sound like a ‘Pollyanna’ playing at being happy, I know that everyone does. Of course, that knowledge didn’t stop me from feeling disappointed. I really wanted to stay on a roll, for a little while longer. Fortunately, I didn’t give up. I don’t think I will. And now, last Sunday, I had my reward for all the long waiting. I had passed the impasse and the downward trend continued. Happiness.

Last Sunday, I was halfway to my first partial goal and I was beginning to think about my reward when I get there. Cake? LOL. I don’t even feel the cravings for that anymore. But that got me thinking about weight watchers who would celebrate their success with champagne and AA meetings celebrating their successes with cake. What if someone had had a double dependency problem? They might easily end up switching from one type of abuse to another.

So how will I celebrate reaching my first partial goal? New clothes is one thing that sprang to mind, but it feels as if it would be too soon. I remember from earlier attempts what a bad idea it is to be stuck with old clothes that hopefully will end up being too big for me. I’ll probably wait until I have to get new ones. That will be fun. At the moment, I’d rather not do anything related to my body. Maybe a little outing? Or I might buy stuff for my hobbies? Suggestions would be appreciated.:)

By the way, I’ve always had a weird relation to my own body. I know I’ll never be content with it. Not even when I was a teenager when I was almost too skinny. Despite that, I felt fat. But that’s probably normal. Lots of people feel that way, especially teenagers. But at the same time, I know that if I don’t like myself I can’t expect others to. And it can’t be good for my weight loss.

What can I do about my poor self image? The first step was realizing that I’ll never be completely content. I’m not like that. Then I made a list of things I actually like about myself and the way I look. The eyes are really quite ok and so is my hair. Of course, that’s nothing to do with my weight. Strangely enough, I’m pretty happy about my shape, no, not my flabby belly and arms and – No, I’d better not go there. But I’m tall, I have a proper waist, even if it’s less obvious when I’m overweight, and I have curves where you’re supposed to be curvy. The bottom line is that I can at least trick myself into believing that I’m pretty content.:)